Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
