Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
