This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found a bag of teeth...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
