You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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