I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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