She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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