If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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