WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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