I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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