those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
