She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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