i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
