yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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