Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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