that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
