I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wear drunk well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
