Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
