How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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