Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Text me some of your sweat
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
