did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
