the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
