someone owes me an orgasm
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
