my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
