So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
