trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
