Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
