and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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