If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
