I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
