thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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