That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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