that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
