I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
