but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
