do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you have to choose: penises or morals?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
