she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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