Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
