Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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