Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
