According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
