why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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