Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
