i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
