I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
