Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
