So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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