Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
