3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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