mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
