did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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