so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
