The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
