There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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