Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
