I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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