my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
