How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
