Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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