Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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